Journey Into Hell (Part 3)

I got home from the hospital and vowed to 'fix' things. I was done lying. I was going to be the husband my wife deserved, a better dad to my kids. I came up with a game plan. I began reading - really reading - God's Word. For this one week, I didn't communicate with Laura other than to tell her I couldn't communicate. In my mind I was ready to break it off, I just didn't know how. Laura had tickets to visit me at a conference in February. I couldn't break it off before that. But I would.

My family came home. The next couple of weeks were tense. I left for my conference in mid-February and spent the entire time drinking and smoking and having sex with Laura. The first night I called to say goodnight to my kids and my wife knew immediately that I'd been drinking. She hung up and refused to speak to me. But that was okay. Now I didn't have to call and check in. Laura and I reveled in our time together. If I'm being honest, it was the most physically gratifying periods I've ever had.

I returned home and begged forgiveness from my wife for having an affair. No, of course I didn't. But I did beg forgiveness for getting drunk. I promised to change. I went to some AA meetings. I stopped drinking altogether.

And then something happened ... as I spent time with my family, I started to fall in love with my wife again. She was trying to work on our marriage. She was less angry, less controlling, more affectionate. We started laughing more. At the end of May, we took an impromptu trip to LA with the boys to watch the Dodgers and the Cardinals (our team) play. It was great. We held hands and enjoyed being a couple.

So when we got home, I wrote Laura and told her it was over. Oh wait, no. That's not what I did. I kept e-mailing her. All day. Everyday. But Laura and I began to slide. Our conversations stopped being fun and started being insecure. Laura was depressed. I tried to pump her up, but her continued sadness aggravated me. I knew she wanted more. I knew she wanted me to leave my wife. I told her I would, some day. Not now. But some day.

My life at home continued to improve while my secret life continued to decline. I took a romantic trip with my wife to the California coast. I lied to Laura about it, telling her that it I was being dragged along by friends against my will. I told Laura that my wife and I weren't having sex. As my secret life continued to fade, I told more and more lies to Laura to keep her around. At this point, I was terrified that she would 'rat' on me if I broke it off.

Laura was supposed to come out two more times. Both trips were canceled. This only made things worse with Laura and I. And then I basically ignored Laura's birthday. This sent her into a horrible funk. She was grumpy and felt worthless and invisible and unloved. My assurances (hah!) to the contrary fell on deaf ears.

And then the inevitable happened: someone tipped my wife off, anonymously. She didn't confront me immediately. Rather she sat on the information all week. Then, on Saturday September 7, she sprang it on me. And demanded that I take her to my office.

I spent the entire car ride hoping beyond hope that she would just look at my computer, take a cursory look around, and find nothing. I reassured her that she wouldn't find anything. But within seconds she was rooting around in drawers, going thru papers. And she found the cufflinks Laura had sent me for my birthday. I lamely tried to lie. But it was out. I was discovered.

I wept, uncontrollably.  I considered suicide. I ranted. I screamed. But I knew what was coming. I packed my things and drove away leaving my devastated wife and two beautiful, innocent boys behind. (To be continued)