Journey Into Hell (part 2)

When I arrived at my friend's house, I set up a new e-mail account under a false name. I sent a frantic e-mail to Laura 'apologizing' for my text. I didn't want to call it off. I loved her too much. Just hang around, I told her, I promise that I'll figure something out.

The next weeks were a whirlwind of emotion. There were fights. There was crying. I spent the night with our friends down the street, but begged my wife to take me back. There was one thought in my head: preserve my image. Preserve the family unit. I'll deal with my emotional issues later.

I started counseling. It was a fig leaf. I lied to my therapist and told him that the relationship with the other woman was over. I'd decided where I wanted to be and that place was home. We also did couple's counseling. I lied there too. 

The next weeks were turbulent. There were threats of divorce (all but one or two from me) and pledges of undying love (on both sides). My wife promised that she'd work on it. She wouldn't leave me. But I had to get it together. On Labor Day, torn, I lost it. I called Laura and told her that I had to stay with my wife. But, I told her, I don't know what will happen. I told her I still loved her. I told her I still wanted her. I told her that I just couldn't leave my boys. Then I got dead drunk and spent the night sending horrible texts to my wife, lashing out at her.

I got a new phone number - and immediately gave it to Laura with instructions never to call me. But we emailed all day every day.

After that episode I settled down a bit. Life slowly returned to some sort of 'normal'. A few weeks later, my wife approached me and told me that Laura was still into me. She found Laura's Pinterest page. There were pins expressing all kinds of lovey-dovey stuff. My initials were all over the pins. My wife made me promise that I wouldn't tell Laura. I promised.

And I held to that promise. Oh wait, no I didn't. I flipped out and e-mailed Laura almost immediately, asking her what she was thinking. She apologized. I asked her not to delete anything, it would make my wife suspicious. She deleted stuff anyway, but told me she didn't. For no real reason, I believed her. This despite the fact that my wife has never lied to me about anything.

My wife asked me about it. How was it that Laura just happened to delete her pins the morning after she talked to me about it? I broke down and confessed what I'd done. Oh wait, no I didn't. I made up some bullshit story about it. We argued about it. I even broke my hand beating it on the floor to emphasize that I wasn't lying to her.

Then Laura came and visited in my town. She got a hotel. I made arrangements to be away from the office. Laura and I had sex during the day, got high, drank, watched movies. Then I went home to my wife at night and acted as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. When Laura left, I cried. I don't know if I was crying for missing her or for the unbearable stress of maintaining this double life.

In a grand gesture, my wife planned a trip for just the two of us. We went across the country to see my favorite football team play. It was an amazing trip. I had a blast with my wife. I also e-mailed Laura a couple of times, telling her that I missed her. I didn't, really. In fact I was more happy in my wife's arms that weekend than I'd been in years. But I had to keep up the affair. Why? I'm not sure. Part of me didn't want to 'hurt' Laura - as I kept lying and lying to my wife. Part of me was afraid that all the lies I'd told would somehow get out.

Life at home started to trend to an uneasy norm. Christmas was awful. My gifts to my wife were thoughtless and weak. But I was offended when I sensed my wife's disappointment. I started to spin out of control. I drank more and more. In January, I hit bottom. I drank way too much and threatened suicide. I got sent to the hospital for observation. When I was released the next day, my wife and kids were on a plane to Colorado.