Journey Into Hell (Part 1)

I had an affair, let's start there.
I'd been married for 8 years, we'd had 2 kids. And then I had an affair.
It started the way these things seem to start these days: on Facebook. She was a person I'd known a bit in high school. She was witty and clever and we 'connected' over things we mutually enjoyed. She had a boyfriend and lived thousands of miles away. I was married. Nothing could possibly come of it, so where was the harm?

Well, the harm was that my wife didn't want me to talk to her. Let me be perfectly clear about something: my wife is not jealous person. She never told me I couldn't talk to this or that girl. She trusted my completely. But this woman - this single person - raised red flags. And she asked me not to engage with her. So what did I do? I ignored her. Why? Because I didn't want to be bossed around. And besides, it was harmless.

My interactions with the other woman - I'll call her 'Laura' - became more frequent and flirty. I began to emulate Laura's lifestyle in my own life. I'd been quite the party guy back in the day, but I'd put that away as I grew up and became responsible for a wife and two young kids. Laura was still part of that lifestyle, and I started drinking more frequently. My interactions with my wife became strained and I became withdrawn and disrespectful.

Laura asked me for my cell phone number and I gave it to her. I did not tell my wife, of course. I rationalized this lie of omission by telling myself that it would just cause her to get angry over nothing. I mean, this girl was a friend, but my wife wouldn't understand that, right? Laura and I began texting occasionally. I thought of Laura often. Everywhere, things would remind me of her. When that would happen, I would text her. We'd share a laugh. She's tell me personal stuff - like that she and her boyfriend split up. But I kept my personal life to myself except for very general stuff about my wife and kids and what we were doing.

One day in the spring, I was out of town for work. I was spending the night in a motel and I was lonely. I had a couple of drinks and decided to text my 'friend'. Our chatting quickly got flirty and then overtly sexual. I told Laura it was inappropriate and to stop. That lasted about .... 10 minutes. The line was crossed. Not gradually or gently, but quickly and totally. The next morning, I regretted this episode and told Laura so. Laura was respectful. She apologized and began to tell me about a guy she liked. *whew* back to just friends.

Did I tell my wife about the encounter? Confess my wrongdoing? No. I didn't mention it at all. My behavior at home got worse. I rarely talked to my wife. I snapped at her constantly. She knew something was wrong, and patiently asked me to let her in. I got defensive and angry and pushed her away. I drank more and was basically a non-person when it came to raising my kids. I justified this in my mind, of course. I wasn't hurting my kids - I just couldn't handle the stress right now.

The lure of what I'd experienced with Laura called seductively and we were quickly back to sex talk. We began texting almost constantly. Our relationship took off. We made plans to see one another: I was going to be out of town for several days. She decided to fly out. I called her - on my wife's birthday. She told me that she thought she loved me. I hemmed and hawed. Told her my family would always come first, but ultimately I told her that I loved her too.

My treatment of my spouse got even worse, if that's possible. I put next to no thought into her birthday, or mother's day. I spent our anniversary having sex with Laura in a hotel room. I began 'bragging' about the new relationship on Facebook and Twitter, sending thinly coded messages to Laura about how I loved her, all the while pretending that I was talking about my wife.

Then as my wife was about to leave for a 10-day visit to see her parents in another state, I dropped a bomb. We were fighting and I said, "this is why our marriage is in trouble." I could see my wife deflate. She knew I'd been off, but she'd never seen any hint of trouble in our marriage. Her hurt stabbed me like a knife. I apologized, profusely. I told her that I had no idea where that came from. I begged her to forgive me. But I didn't confess my affair. And the next morning, she and my kids flew off.

I spent the next 10 days indulging in sexual fantasies over Skype with Laura. I told my wife how nice it was to be alone. I was drunk the second I got home from work. I even skipped a day so I could spend the entire day Skyping with Laura.

3 weeks later my wife and I were arguing again. I blamed her for our problems. She was controlling and bitchy and cold. She was sick all the time. I took not an ounce of responsibility for our troubles. It was the worst fight of our marriage. She cried and called me names. I felt so ashamed that I confessed my affair. Oh wait, no. That's not what I did at all. No, instead of honoring my wife with the truth, I tried to patch it over. I left work early next the day and got some flowers. I'd take her flowers and take her out to lunch. It would be okay.

But it wasn't. When I got home, I found my wife at the computer. Her face was ashen and implacable. She walked out and said she had to run to our friend's house for a minute. She'd be right back. I went to the computer ... she'd been on our phone statement. She'd seen the thousands of texts and phone calls to the other woman. I was found out. But wait - she didn't really know what I'd been doing. I resolved to play it off. "We're just friends, you don't understand, it's not what it looks like..." But my wife had also seen my Skype logs. There's just no way to explain why you'd be on Skype for five hours at a time with a friend.

I broke down and confessed everything. Oh wait, no. That's not what I did at all. I limited the damage. I confessed an inappropriate 'cyber' relationship. There was no proof that we'd been physically together. I made a huge show of texting Laura and telling her it was over. I deleted my social media accounts. And then I went to spend the night at a friend's...

(to be continued)